Despite my most ardent of efforts...

I still get scared.

For some reason, I decided to check the forums over at Breast Cancer.org . I don't read too much over there because I have a tendency to let that reality fill my soul and it makes it really hard for me to live my life.

Within seconds, I saw a thread that filled me with fear and those awful burning tears welled up. Gianina, NoSurrender, is a woman that helped my group of "Junies 2005" get through our treatment. She is a Survivor and a very encouraging, kind woman. She was a tremendous source of strength and hope to us "newbies". She was always there for us with lots of information to make our treatment road a bit smoother. She gave us a TON of her time. She really means a lot to me, as do the other women I have come to know from that board.

G, was recently diagnosed with breast cancer again. She had made it past that glorious and hopeful 5-year mark that we all pray arrives. I am angry, sad and scared. I guess I just need to let it out somewhere and throwing the emotion into cyberspace seems good right now. This is not something I like to "burden" my family with as it does no good to frighten them and remind them of just how absolutely crummy this stupid disease is... they already know that.

I hate cancer. I am still reeling from my dear friend's husband's recent diagnosis of Stage 4 Colon Cancer and now this. These are such wonderful people... where is the cure?

I live each day with that nagging fear of recurrence or a new cancer forming and most of the time I am successful at pushing it far back into the depths. But sometimes... reality is too much for me and I can't fight it off. This is one of those moments. It will pass and my usual optimism will come back in full force because I believe with all my heart that it's the only way to live and cherish life... but it's so hard. It's just so hard to not feel so much because I have been there... I know that fear, intimately.

I guess it's good to have a good cry now and then. I feel a bit better just getting this off my shoulders. Life is just so precious and being healthy is such a gift.

I love this photo of a sunrise I took some months ago. I am thankful, more than anyone could ever know, for each day I am gifted to live.

Hugs,
Dana